What can I say? I’m a top ten list whore. And the sight of that ridiculous turkey staring me down every time I open the refrigerator is inspiring me. So, with apologies to 50 Shades fans everywhere, here goes…
Top Ten Ways in which Thanksgiving is like 50 Shades of Grey
1. Sure it’s kitchen twine, not handcuffs, but that bird’s gettin’ trussed. And fancy, too — there are all kinds of videos showing you elaborate ways to tie your turkey’s legs together. Sort of like Japanese porn. Only with Martha Stewart.
2. What is it about ovens? Remember the fateful elevator scene? You too can recreate this steaminess with your wall oven and the turkey. More heat, less hair pulling, I hope.
3. The book had an immaculately dressed man. Thanksgiving has .. well, maybe not so immaculate, but it is a dressed turkey. And if you can’t spin sexual innuendo out of stuffing and sausage … frankly, you’re just not trying very hard.
4. Whipping the cream. Anyone?
5. He beats her bottom raw, you beat raw eggs. Ok, that one was a stretch but I’m going for ten, people. Cut me some slack.
6. “There’s a fine line between pleasure and pain.” There’s also a fine line between “done” and “burnt.” Tinfoil, y’all. Get some.
7. Quivering, red, moist ..I’m speaking of the canned cranberry jelly OF COURSE. What did you think I meant?
8. Playroom, schmayroom. A kitchen stocked with wooden spoons and spatulas is waaay more versatile. You can spank your lover AND stir the gravy. Also, am I the only one thinking that Mr. Grey just needed to sit down, shut up and eat some mashed potatoes?
9. Want something to moan about? Take a bite of chocolate chip pecan pie. Really. It’s that good.
10. She willingly subjects herself to a sadomasochistic relationship, knowing she will experience disappointment, frustration and ultimately, she will get hurt.
You willingly agreed to host Thanksgiving.
Need I say more?