Such a … Woman

So, my friend Rex the human tripod and I cooked up this story over IM last December. It vanished from the archives, only to resurface today as we were busy concocting another erotic blockbuster/crazed mashup fiction tribute to dinosaurs, developed again by Rex, whose creative skills are wasted in the advertising industry.  Without further ado, I present Drug Test Divas — story written by Rex the Human Tripod and Lush Jones.

Consider this our combined Christmas/Hanukkah present to the planet. You’re welcome.

 

Lush Jones…      Want to hear my creep drug test story? 10:21:44 AM

Rex/IL…               yes 10:22:44 AM

Lush Jones…      So I walk into this office – there’s one dour little man sitting behind a desk. I hand over my paperwork, smile and say “I’m here for a drug test.” He glares at me and sighs. 10:23:39 AM

◄           He motions for me to come behind the door and calls out for me to have a seat. I can’t see him, so I’m all “Um, okay, where?” And he snaps at me, and I see him point to a chair in front of his desk with an extremely irritated look on his face like I am the 100th stupid drug test woman he’s had to deal with today. 10:24:47 AM

◄           He looks over my paperwork and meticulously begins to lay out things. An envelope, a brand-new shiny pair of scissors, a pair of industrial sized tweezers. 10:25:51 AM

◄           By now I’m starting to hyperventilate because it’s so @#$% quiet in there and he’s freaking me out.  10:26:38 AM

◄           Then he walks over to me, tells me to lean back in the chair, which I do. He stands behind me for a full minute and then he begins combing my hair. Slowly, carefully combing. 10:27:55 AM

Rex/IL…               Sweeney Todd. 10:28:22 AM

Lush Jones…      Now I have to bite my lip because I’m about to start giggling, the entire thing is so fucked up and freaky. 10:28:28 AM

◄           But I don’t because what the hell is he going to do to me if I start laughing? 10:28:44 AM

◄           Anyway, so then he clips up the top layer of my hair, and taking his scissors right up against my scalp, he slices through a huge chunk of my hair.  10:29:28 AM

Rex/IL…               did he say, “whoops.” 10:29:52 AM

Lush Jones…      That would have lightened the mood – so no. He takes the hair back to his desk and smooths it out on this red cellophane tape, then he comes back FOR MORE. He proceeds to cut two more times, on each side of my head, again right up on my fucking scalp. 10:31:32 AM

◄           I’m thinking how much hair does he need? 10:31:50 AM

◄           Is he going to make a voodoo doll? 10:32:02 AM

Rex/IL…               Please tell me you now look like Britney Spears. 10:32:18 AM

Lush Jones…      Lucky for me, I have a lot of hair, so no. Also, I lack a certain crazy blonde Mousketeer vibe, so I doubt I could pull that look off. 10:33:51 AM

◄           But when he’s all done playing with my hair, he seals it up, makes me sign several things and then, looking slightly happier, tells me I’m done. 10:34:49 AM

◄           Here’s the thing – A. If you have long hair and someone cuts it off at the scalp, it hurts. I can still feel where he cut it. It’s GROSS.  10:35:25 AM

◄           And B. What the hell was he planning on doing with the tweezers? 10:35:40 AM

Rex/IL…               As a guy who shaves his head, I can sympathize with the feeling of cutting it off at the scalp. Especially this time of year. Zero humidity makes the scalp extra dry and irritable. I go over it with one of them fancy gillete multi-bladed gizmos and “for extra-sensitive skin” shaving cream and it doesn’t help, 10:38:00 AM

Lush Jones…      Ouch, that does sound painful 10:39:30 AM

Rex/IL…               Now, here is an extreme theory: 10:39:41 AM

Lush Jones…      Waiting with baited breath… 10:41:29 AM

Rex/IL…               Maybe, he puts out the extra tools and weirdo vibe for no other reason than his own entertainment. He has an incredibly boring repetitive job and one where is “customers” are both annoyed and creeped out by having to come there in the first place. 10:42:11 AM

◄           For all you know, you two could be simpatico, but due to the nature of your interaction, you’ll never know. 10:43:01 AM

Lush Jones…      It’s entirely possible. 10:43:11 AM

Rex/IL…               I see a premise for another sex novel in the making. 10:43:22 AM

◄           You could write it as one of those shifting perspective books – from each of their angles. We see how creeped out she gets. We read that he does it on purpose.  10:44:38 AM

Lush Jones…      I like it 10:44:49 AM

Rex/IL…               He sees her secret tattoo and knows what it means. It’s some sort of underground / alt lifestyle code. 10:45:02 AM

◄           He “mishandles” her sample and she has to come back in. He acts differently and makes a comment about the tattoo. her perspective changes. Sparks fly. Fluids exchanged. The end. 10:45:54 AM

Lush Jones…      Rex, I see a trilogy in the making – Fifty Shades of Drug Tests 10:46:03 AM

Rex/IL…               Just “Fifty Drug Tests” They alternate him mishandling the tests for her to come in and her quitting and getting new jobs that require the test. 10:46:57 AM

Lush Jones…      Are those your scissors or are you just happy to see me? 10:47:20 AM

Rex/IL…               They could live in a small, conservative town where every employer requires a test so she just jumps from one crap job to another in order to get retested as her obsession about him grows. 10:47:56 AM

◄           It practically writes itself. 10:48:11 AM

◄           Finally, she exhausts employers in their radius and discovers that as she goes futher out for jobs, they send her to different centers. Now their love/lust is at a cross-roads. 10:49:16 AM

Lush Jones…      I’m on the edge of my seat – what happens next? 10:49:32 AM

◄           Will she have any hair left by the end of the book?  10:49:57 AM

Rex/IL…               Is it him, or does she simply fall for every guy/girl at every drug testing center? Maybe they are all a part of some crazy scene. 10:50:06 AM

◄           No, so they have to go find hair elsewhere. Things get pretty weird then. 10:50:36 AM

Lush Jones…      Because up until now? Totally normal. 10:50:57 AM

Rex/IL…               Exactly. 10:51:02 AM

◄           It ends in a multi-facility orgy of sex and hair removal. She finally has to move to Easter Island. 10:51:28 AM

Lush Jones…      Ooooh, I shouldn’t ask – but why Easter Island, oh teller of dark drug testing tales? 10:52:00 AM

Rex/IL…               Not sure. A friend of mine arbitrarily likes to send the Easter Island head emoji in texts for no reason. I guess it was top of mind. 10:53:05 AM

Lush Jones…      It works. The whole pagan solstice vibe – I see these crazy drug testing kids being into that scene 10:53:59 AM

Rex/IL…               Defintely. They try to follow her there – they’ve becomes as obsessed with her as she is of them.  10:54:32 AM

◄           When they do, the find her dead, naked and hairless at the base of one of the heads. Dies while attempting to use the nose for satisfaction. 10:56:04 AM

◄           Died smiling. 10:56:10 AM

Lush Jones…      And scene. 10:56:40 AM

◄           I see a movie 10:56:54 AM

Rex/IL…               Trilogy. Starring Jennifer Lawrence and that chick from breaking dawn and the joan jett movie. 10:57:29 AM

Lush Jones…      The drug tester will be played by Ian Somerhalder. Or Colin Farrell. I’m not picky. 10:59:49 AM

Rex/IL…               I don’t know that Ian guy. but I’m on board. 11:00:18 AM

Lush Jones…      Vampire Diaries 11:00:26 AM

Rex/IL…               We have a pitch meeting with Harvey Weinstein at 11am tomorrow at Ivy. 11:00:44 AM

Lush Jones…      Awesome.  11:01:04 AM

Rex/IL…               He just bailed, but his assistant’s intern’s cousin’s friend is trying to get into the business. She’ll meet with us instead. 11:01:53 AM

◄           At the in-and-out burger across the street. 11:02:05 AM

◄           We’re going dutch. 11:02:11 AM

Lush Jones…      We can act out the scenes using hamburger patties and ketchup.  11:03:12 AM

◄           I will construct an exact replica of Easter Island out of french fries. 11:03:39 AM

◄           Now I’m hungry. 11:05:14 AM

◄           And my hair hurts. 11:05:22 AM

Rex/IL…               me too. but have to jump on a call our brainstorm has made me late to. 11:05:39 AM

THE END

So you see, boys and girls — one day, if you’re lucky, you can get a job in corporate America that will bore you to the point of crafting soft-core porn over instant messages.  Happy Holidays!